


Technically Fruit

by GenerallyHuxurious (GallifreyanOmnishambles)



Series: Huxurious Huxloween [12]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Childishness, Dick Jokes, Grocery Shopping, Halloween, M/M, Pumpkins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-14
Updated: 2016-10-14
Packaged: 2018-08-22 09:02:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8280293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GallifreyanOmnishambles/pseuds/GenerallyHuxurious
Summary: Set in the Eldritch Effect Universe. Never take Kylo Ren to the grocery store. Especially at Halloween.For Huxloween day 13





	

“Hux! Hux! Hey, Hux!!”

Donal sighed, it was like shopping with a toddler.

“What?!” He snapped, trying to turn towards the large man without giving anyone the impression that he was actually with him. “Oh for fucks sake!”

“Look! Boobs!”

“Kylo,” Hux groaned from behind his hands. “Put them down, please.”

Pulling the pumpkins closer to his chest, Kylo backed away defensively. “No, I need them!”

“Nope, you definitely don't need them.” Hux poked him in one rock hard pec, making him giggle.

Other customers of the grocery store stared at the odd noise from the huge man. The pair ignored them, grinning at each other.

“Ha ha. I meant I needed them for carving.”

“I don't think _need_ is the word you're looking for, I’m pretty sure ‘carvable fruit I can leave to rot’ doesn't features anywhere on maslow’s hierarchy of needs. You mean want.”

Kylo fixed him with a look that made Donal's stomach turn suddenly warm. “No. I’m pretty sure there's only one thing I want. And I can get it sooner if you let me buy these pumpkins.”

Hux rolled his eyes but his smile stayed in place. “I’m pretty sure you’d give in after half an hour. I can wait.”

Kylo stuck his tongue out at him. “Come on, please. It’d be educational!”

“What the fuck are you on about now?!”

“Pumpkin aren’t fruit.”

“They come from flowers and they contain seeds, therefore - fruit.”

“Well why are they in the vegetable section then?” Kylo asked with a frown.

“Please stop talking.”

“Then let me buy the pumpkins.”

“Fine, but I’m not helping you carry them home.”

* * *

The journey back to the apartment was a farce. Kylo had found the two biggest pumpkins in the store and (allegedly) the only way to carry them was on his shoulders with his arms curving up and around them. Which of course put all his muscles on display. What a coincidence.

Given that Kylo already looked like the Emo King of Halloween this drew quite a lot of attention. Hux wouldn't deny that he looked good. No one else he knew could look quite so attractive in orange and black vertical stripe leggings, an oversized skull print wife beater and so many cheap plastic bracelets he actually rattled. But it seemed that the entire city agreed, which lead to actual _crowds_ wanting to take photos of him and who was Kylo to deny his public such a simply pleasure?

A walk that should have taken twenty minutes took nearly two hours in the end. After the first hour Donal had actually gotten bored enough to set up an Instagram account of his own- @FirstOrderCryptids - and joined in on the fun. After less than a minute he had twenty five followers and Kylo had received three obscene proposals. Hux enjoyed telling the latter to fuck off.

* * *

Surprisingly he pumpkins themselves attracted almost as much online attention as Kylo’s muscles had.

Kylo had been halfway through carving the first one before Hux had noticed how complex and well executed the design actually was. For some reason Kylo had chosen a facehugger from the Alien franchise, but carved in relief so that once the pumpkin was lit the creature would seem to float inside the vegetable as if it were an egg.

As a piece of art it was impressive in its own right and Instagram seemed to agree. If he was entirely honest he'd been expecting just the usual crude smiley face rather than something this complicated. The level of skill was frankly astonishing. Every time he thought there was no way Kylo could surprise him again the man did, usually in the wierdest circumstances.

In the end Hux had asked Kylo to drag the sofa over to his work space so he could film his work in comfort and take relatively comparable process shots.

When it was complete Kylo wired it to the railing of the balcony where it glowed creepily with the aid of a solar powered lighting pack. Hux thought it was odd that it was facing into the apartment rather than towards the street, but then given how many floors up they were the details probably wouldn’t have been visible to anyone else.

“What should I carve on this one?” Kylo asked, casually rolling the second pumpkin across his shoulders like it was a basketball.

“Whatever you like,” Hux replied, confused. Why was this a joint decision?

“No, see this is YOUR pumpkin.” Kylo said emphatically. “Normally I only buy one for myself but now there are two of us, so this is one is yours.”

“If it's mine why aren’t I carving it myself?”

“Have you carved a pumpkin before?”

“No. It wasn’t exactly a British thing when I was a kid.”

“Aesthetics.”

“What?”

“I have standard to maintain, Hux. I mean we can get you some practice pumpkins in preparation for next year but these are the _official_ Halloween pumpkins for 2016. They have to be perfect.”

Hux just stared at him bemused. He was getting a headache. They were just fruit!

“So?” Kylo asked after a minute.

“What?”

“What do you want carved on your pumpkin?” He pressed.

Honestly Hux had no idea. Season gourd decoration wasn’t exactly a subject he thought about often. He looked at the alien on the balcony. “Jonesy.”

“Who?”

“The cat from Alien. I was going to say Hicks but I don’t think I’ll ever forgive the franchise for killing him off.”

“Okay, cool.” Kylo nodded while he googled reference photos. “Awww look! He’s fuzzy and ginger too! Just like you!”

He reached out and scritched Donal’s chin through his beard, laughing when Hux glared.

“Who’s a good kitty cat? Hmm? Who’s a good…”

Hux bit him. But not too hard.

* * *

Kylo’s phone buzzed, waking him from an afternoon nap with the first few bars of “I’m Not Okay (I Promise) echoing through the apartment. Bleary eyed he answered it without looking at the caller ID.

“What the fuck?!” Hux’ shout the instant the call connected made him levitate off the bed. This being Kylo Ren it was a literal effect that had him hovering several feet above the mattress.

“Jesus, Hux, you scared me half to death! Now, which fuck are you questioning in particular?” He asked with a sleeping grin.

“I happen to be standing in the park two blocks from our apartment. I’m looking right at our balcony. Can I guess what I’m going to ask?”

Cramming his fist between his teeth Kylo tried not to laugh.

“Nuh uh.” He mumbled.

“KYLO REN, WHY ARE THERE PENISES CARVED INTO THE BACK OF THE PUMPKINS ON OUR BALCONY, YOU MONUMENTAL BELLEND?!?!”

Howling with laughter Kylo lost control of his telekinesis, hit the mattress, bounced and landed on the floor with a thwap. “OW!”

“Serves you right!”


End file.
